Orbitz’s blog

RED BEARD

EPISODE 3: Aground

            It is early morning aboard Red Beard’s ship the black hulled William and Mary.  The pirate captain is asleep in his cabin when sudden commotion from the quarter deck awakens him.  “Now what,” he mutters in disgust as he sits up and pulls on his shirt?  Suddenly, the ship lurches to a halt, throwing Red Beard forward to the deck.  The giant pirate picks himself off the deck only to run his head into the bottom on the small chart table he has landed under.  “Damnation!” he yells rushing from his cabin into the passage way leading to the quarter deck.

            “What’s happened, John” Consuello asks emerging half dressed from her cabin?

“Damned if I know!”  Red Beard rushes past the she pirate and nearly tears the door off its hinges as bursts onto the quarter deck.  “All hands on deck!  Lookout, what’s about?  Man the . . .!  “What the hell . . .?!” 

  The pirate captain stops dead in his tracks, incredulous at the chaotic scene before him.  The black hulled William and Mary sits hard aground on a sand bar off Jamaica.  Pharaoh and Roger are arguing as they chase the Boy Prince about the quarter deck.  The boy dashes past the stunned pirate captain.  Roger, in hot pursuit, dashes by Red Beard nearly knocking him down.  The boy evades Roger’s grasp, trips Roger who lands with a thud a Red Beards feet, then disappears down a hatchway   Stede and a crewman are desperately lowering sail while aloft the lookout hangs perilously from the edge of the crows nest.

Roger picks himself up off the deck and comes face to face with his irate chief.  “Good morning, Captain,” he stutters?

“Good morning,” Red Beard roars!!??  The sound of Red Beards voice brings the chaos to an end.  Red Beard paces the deck shouting furiously.  “Stede, how did this happen?  I turn in for a few hours sleep and we run aground!”

            “Captain, I wasn’t on watch, Roger and Pharaoh were,” Stede replies as he finishes lowering sail.

            Turning to Pharaoh and Roger, Red Beard barks, “Well?  What happened?”

            Sheepishly the two pirates stand before their captain.  The two begin speaking at once.  “It was really nothing . . .  The kid was . . .   An accident . . .“

            “One at a time you fools!”

            “Roger was in charge” Pharaoh quickly answers.

            “You had the helm,” Roger replies.

            “You let that kid on deck . . . “

            ”Enough,” Reb Beard roars!  “What happened?”

            “The kid wanted to get some air so Roger let him up on deck.  He started to play around so I let him call out the compass headings for me,” Pharaoh answers.

            Red Beard is incredulous.  “You let a twelve year old play with the compass?!”

            “It was the only way to stop him from playing with the helm,” interjects Roger.

            “The helm?!  Who let him near the helm, “ roars the pirate captain?

            “He did,” Roger and Pharaoh say pointing to each other.

            “Stede, you and Pharaoh bring that kid here,” Red Beard barks.  “And get the rest of the crew on deck.”

            Just as Pharaoh and Stede set off to fetch the boy, the pirate ship of the Captain Bonnet sails by.  Bonnet’s crew is laughing and pointing at the grounded William and Mary.  “Ahoy there Little Johnny,” Bonnet calls out.  “Can’t you navigate or were you trying to plow a canal?”

            “A mistake at the helm.  I’ll be off this sand bar by noon.  And don’t call me Little Johnny,” Red Beard roars!

            “Sure Johnny.  Just wait till I tell Edward what his little brother did!”

            “Blast you Bonnet!  I’ll set your liver on fire if you tell Edward or any one about this!”

            “See you in Port Royale, Johnny.  If you dare to show your face.  Or can find your way,” Bonnet calls out laughing as his ship pulls away.

            Red Beard is livid at Bonnet’s heckling.  “Damnation, Roger, I hate being compared to Edward.  All my life it’s always been Edward this, Edward that.  Why don’t you behave like your big brother?”  Red Beards ranting is interrupted by Stede and Pharaoh who return, dripping wet, with the boy and his guardian Michelle in tow.  “What happened to you two,” Teech asks?

            “The little heathen tried to murder us,” Stede replies pointing to Juan.

            “Heathen,” Juan shouts!  “Oww . . ,” Stede yells as the kid stomps his foot!    “I’m no heathen,” Juan shouts as he stomps and kicks Stede and Pharaoh into howls of pain.  “The Archbishop of Madrid himself baptized me!”

            Red Beard grabs Juan by the collar and holds him off the deck.  “Hold your tongue or I’ll use it for tuna bait.  Stede, what happened?”

            “He smeared lard all over the deck outside the gangway.  We did a full gainer off the forecastle overboard.”

            “Where was the crew,” Red beard asks?

            “Stuck to gun deck,” Pharaoh answers.  “The brat smeared pine tar all over it.”

            Red Beard is livid.

“Unhand him you brute,” Michelle says, trying to protect her charge, “He’s a mere boy.”

            “Mere boy,” the pirate roars?  “Madame, this mere boy has done more damage to me in an hour than Her Majesty’s Navy’s done in a year!  Ransom or not I ought to . . .”

“Don’t loose your temper,” Consuello says joining the group.  “We need the money.”

“Blast you’re right woman,” Red beard says calming down.  “But now we need another ship.” Thinking quickly the pirate says, “Stede, gather the crew.  We’ll march over land and seize a ship in St Johns.  It’s only a mile on the other side of this peninsula.”

            “How do I get them off the deck,” Stede asks?

            “Pry then off!  They wont miss a little hide!”

            “What about the hostages,” Consuello asks?

            “Leave them here with Roger.  We’ll pick them up later.”

            “For God’s sake,” Roger implores, “don’t leave me here with them!”

            “You got us on this sand bar,” the captain replies.

            “Saints preserve me,” Roger moans.
            Looking aloft, Red Beard notices the lookout still struggling to get back into the crows nest. “And somebody get him down from there.”  

Meanwhile . . .  Elsewhere . . .

EPISODE 2: A Meeting of the Minds
    The next morning, a hot tropical sun shines over the buccaneer port of Port Royale, Jamaica.  Port Royale is full of drinking establishments and flesh pots catering to the foulest, meanest pirates on the Spanish Main.  The most infamous of these houses of sin is The Mayhem Inn, owned by the infamous Mistress Shannon.  Mayhem is relatively quiet this morning, only a few of the usual assortment of seagoing scum remain after another night of debauchery.  Shannon, a tall, long haired buxom brunette, counts out the nights receipts at a table as her chief enforcer, Wild Bill O'Shaunesy, directs the assorted minions and nerdowells in cleaning up the place.  Mayhem's morning calm is broken by girlish laughter and the clatter of feet on the stairs.  Two of Shannon's serving wenches, Natalie and her cousin Marti, lead their latest drunken paramours down the stairs.  Shannon watches the disheveled, partially clothed quartet with bemusement as the two fetching blondes lead the drunken pirates toward Mayhem's side door.  Natalie's companion steals a kiss and makes a grab for her posterior.  Natalie kisses the miscreant while simultaneously trapping the offending hand into a half nelson.
     "Ouch!  You've a strong grip for such a slight girl," the pirate protests.
    "Now you've had your fun for the night darling," Natalie purrs, raising her foot into the pirates back.
    "Now let's not do anything rash love," the pirate pleads.
    "Rash?  Me? Never my love."
    "What a relief."
    "But no more fun without more gold."  With that Natalie kicks the staggering buccaneer through the door into the street where he collapses in a heap.
    Marti's companion guffaws at his colleagues fate and takes a drink from his rum bottle.  As he drinks, Marti kicks him through the door where he crashes into the other pirate.  Marti and Natalie laugh as the two buccaneers stagger to their feet.  "Come back when you have more booty fellows," calls out Marti.
    "Marti!  Natalie!"  The two girls startle at their mistress' voice.  "Hand over your complementaries."  The two recover their wanton wages from their bodices, handing the gold and silver to Shannon who counts it into her receipts before giving the two their share.  "Marti, where's your sister," Shannon asks?
    "Emily's still upstairs entertaining," Marti replies, counting her money.
    "Bill, see Emiliy's friend out."  Wild Bill goes upstairs to fetch the third Spice Chick as the trio is known while Shannon dresses down the other two.  "You know my rules.  No men allowed in your rooms after day break.  I need you to help clean in the morning."
    "We already sing, wait tables and entertain the men!  Why do we have to clean up," Natalie protests?
    "Because you're serving wenches, and serving wenches help clean."
    "All these silly rules!  Tis a tavern you have here Shannon, not a court.  Why such interest in when we put our clients out the door?"
    "I have some rules Marti," Shannon replies. "Not many, but a few.  I try and enforce at least one a day."
    Just then Jack Slate, the famed pirate captain, his trusted 1st Mate Charles "Frenchy" Le Clerc, and Sampson, the Captain's black manservant, stroll in.  The trio approaches Shannon's table.
    "Drinks," Jack says putting down a hefty bag of gold on the table.  "Shannon, I'm here to pay."
    "It's about time, Slate.  You're a week late," Shannon replies, taking the gold.
    "Tis a little hard to keep up payments when you've got my ship as collateral and won't let me use it."
    "You should have thought of that before you took a loan from me and didn't pay me back.  Besides, you seem to be doing well fitting out ships."
    "Yes, but it's not the same as a pirates life.  Think of it.  Me, an honest man.  My God!  What I've fallen to!"
    "For God's sake, mom Cheri," Frenchy chimes in, "give him the ship back before he works us to death or drives us mad."
    "Shannon, I need my ship.  You have half your money back now.  Let me use the ship and you get half of whatever I make on the voyage."
    "And how do I know you would pay?  You squandered your loan on a woman."
    Jack takes Shannon's hand, applying all his considerable charm.  "She was a mere passing fancy, a lapse in judgement brought on by intoxicating moonlight and your absence."
    "The intoxicant was rum," replies Shannon slowly pulling a dagger from her dress and pressing it against Jacks' neck.  "Judgment and discretion have never been your strengths, Jack.  I don't care if a man goes a whoring, but I loaned you money, I expect to get paid.  Else, I keep the ship."
    Jack gingerly pushes the dagger from his throat, carefully feeling it's sharp point as he does.  "No need for violence, my lady.  You've made your point.  You have my word."  Jack kisses Shannon's hand.
    "The word of a buccaneer," she replies pulling her hand away.  "What's that worth," she says coyly?
    Just then yells and curses break out from the second floor as Wild Bill drags Emily's partner down the stairs.  Bill is about to toss the sailor out when Emily, a stunning brunette, comes down the stairs wrapped only in a bed sheet.
    "Wait," she yells, "he's not paid!"
    "Pay up," Bill snarls.  The sailor fumbles in his belt finds a coin and tosses it to Emily.  "A pence!  You lout my charms are worth more than that!"
    Bill grabs the seaman by the throat which prompts a reconsideration by the sailor.  The pirate tosses his entire purse to Emily, whereupon, Bill tosses him out the door.
    "That's better," shouts Emily as the drunk picks himself up in the alley!
    "Alright the three of you" Shannon shouts to the Spice Chicks!  "Get dressed and help the others clean up.  I've a business to run."
    Emily, Marti and Natalie return upstairs as another of Shannon's minions bring the drinks.  The rest of her raunchy crew resumes cleaning the tavern.  As Jack, Frenchy and Sampson begin to drink, the huge West Indian Socatoa, one of Shannon's many informers and enforcers, enters the bar. 
    "Mistress," the Indian says in his heavily accented voice, "Spanish ship that put into port today robbed by Teech.  Him take little white boy prince and woman servant for ransom."
    "My God," Shannon exclaims!  "Is Black beard here again?  He was up at Charleston!"
    "No worry, Mistress," the Indian continues.  Not Edward Teech.  It little brother John Teech."
    "Just who is this prince," asks Frenchy?
    "Him called, Juan del la Cruz.  Woman named Michelle Labelle," the Indian replies.
    "Quite a prize, Red Beard has caught," remarks Frenchy taking a drink.
    "Indeed," Shannon replies.  "The scum will make a handsome profit on the ransom."
    Jack reflects a moment.  "The Prince's father might also pay a handsome reward for the rescue of his son from Red Beard."  The others at the table perk up at Jack's comment.
    "You've an idea of rescuing the boy from Teech mon Capitan," Frenchy asks?
    "Or stealing him from Red Beard to ransom him yourself," adds Shannon, intrigued by the idea.
    Jack leans back in his chair taking a slow drink.  "Rescue, ransom the difference is slight.  But the payment would be the same."
    "But a ship, Captain," Sampson asks?
    Shannon recoils. "Oh no!  Not til you pay off your debt, Jack!"
    "Think of it Shannon.  The ransom of a prince would be more than enough to pay off my debt to you and leave a tidy profit for all.  That's of course if you want your money quickly.  Fitting ships is such a slow business."
    Shannon thinks a moment.  "You scoundrel, Jack Slate!  A deal.  You can use your ship to rescue the boy.  But, to make sure you don't run off before paying your debt, Socatoa and Li Key Ching Kai Sung will go with you."
    Puzzled, Sampson asks, "Pardon me, Mistress Shannon.  Who pray tell is Li Key . . . whatever it was you said?"
    "The best Chinese cook in Jamaica," she replies motioning to a short oriental man who is sweeping the floor.
    Li Key approaches the table.  "You need something Mistress?"
    "Li Key, you and Socatoa are going with Captain Jack to resue some people from Red Beard."
    "Red Beard!  Him cut throat!  Feed people to sharks!  Li Key no go!"
    "Li Key," Shannon purrs, "do you ever want to pay off that gambling debt you owe me?"
    "Li Key no care about gambling debt!  Have to be alive to pay it off!"
    "Li Key, do you want Limey Mic to know where he can find you so he can collect his debt?"
    Li Kay pauses.  "Mistress Shannon tell Limey Mic where find Li Key?"
    "In a moment," Shannon purrs.
    "What we wait for," Li Key exclaims in a sudden burst of enthusiasm?  "Where ship?  Where crew?  I get sea bag!  When we sail?  Chop chop!"  Li Key goes to kitchen to gather his gear as Shannon turns to Jack.  "Collect your crew at the dock."

Meanwhile . . .  Elsewhere . . .

Okay, now that I have this Journal, what do I do with it; wax poetic, engage in literary criticism, textual deconstruction, philisophical debate, political brickbats, historical writing? None of it seems interesting, so instead of doing something serious, which despite my better instincts and judgement I will try to do here at some point, on with the show! Oh, what show you ask? How about a serialized pirate fable? Sounds good to me, but remember I'm on percocet. So without further ado, here is the first installment of my original buccaneering tale, "Red Beard". And my god have a sense of humour about this cause he's going to need it!

Red Beard
Episode 1: Captured!

The year, 1704, off the coast of Jamiaca a Spanish ship makes a desperate run to escape the most dreaded buccaneer of the Spanish Main. John Teech is his name, better known as Red Beard for his flaming facial hair and to keep him seperate from his renowned older brother Edward, the imfamous Black Beard.
The desperate Spanish captain has put on all sail and manned the guns. "Are you sure that it's Red Beard," he calls to his look out?
"Aye sir. I'd recognize Jolly Roger anywhere."
At that moment a canoon booms from the quickly closing pirate ship, the shot just crossing the Spanish ships bow. "Heave to, or I'll sink you," comes the hoarse cry from the pirate vessel.
"It's hopeless," the captain sighs, ordering the sails furled. Within a few moments Red Beard's black hulled ship, William and Mary, is fast along side and the fearsome pirate captain boards the helpless Spanish prize. Red Beard is an enormous man dressed in black and red, pistols, knives and swords festoon his clothes. His beard and hair are flaming red and slow burning gun matches entwined around his neck wreath his head in a devilish smoke. He is accompanied by his mistress, the beautiful, fierce she pirate Consuello, his huge, heavily armed black slave Pharaoh, the tattoed West Indian Caribe and several other cut throats.
"Captain, I'm Red Beard the pirate. I'm here to take your passenger the boy Prince Juan del la Cruz as my hostage. Hand him over or I'll send your ship to Davy Jones' Locker."
A look of relief passes over the Spanish Captains face. "Fetch the Prince and his guardian." His crew moves with dispatch and visible relief. "You'll have no problem from us Red Beard. I knew it was you before you boarded," the captain replies as his crew hustle the Prince, a mere boy of twelve, and his beautiful guardian Michelle, on deck. "I know of your reputation for ruthless violence. Take them both and go."
The Pirate is puzzeled. "You're not going to resist?"
"Certainly not."
"You're going to turn a mere boy and a woman over to the likes of me?"
"As quickly as possible."
"All right, the Pirate says, motioning to Caribe to take the prisoners. "How did you know it was me before we boarded? Was it the cut of my jib."
"Not really," the Spaniard replies.
"The fearsom likeness of me ship?"
"No."
"Well then what was it man!? Out with it before I feed you to the sharks!"
"If you must know, it was Jolly Roger," the Spaniard replies pointing into the pirate ships masts. Red Beard looks into the rigging of William and Mary and sees his 2nd Mate, Roger, dangling drunkenly from a yard arm swilling rum.
"Roger, you idiot! Get down from there immediately," Red Beard roars! "Stede, the Pirate shouts to his 1st Mate aboard his ship, "Get that damn fool out of the rigging before he de-masts us again!!"
By this time Red Beards crew is hustling the Prince and Michelle onto William and Mary along with anything else of value they can find on the Spanish ship. As the pirates cast away, the Spanish crew looks on with relief. "Captain," the Spanish 1st Mate asks, "Do you really think it was Christian not to warn them about that kid?"
'Maybe not, but they'll find out soon enough."
Meanwhile... Elsewhere...